The Fog of War

Dear friends and family:

It’s been a while since I put the proverbial pen to paper with an update from the Nevada Reno Mission. My only excuse for this literary lapse is the fog of war. No, not that war.  Not that one either. Nope. Wrong again. The war I’m talking about is right here in Reno, Nevada that began shortly after yours truly received an official and very official looking “Certificate of Completion” shown here:

I knew this impressive certificate was an excessively important document the moment it arrived at the mission office because it came via FedEx. Not your average electronic transmission to say the least.

Naturally, I felt it was my duty to let the mission and missionaries know that their very own Vehicle Commander is now certified as a highly trained and‒if I do say so myself‒highly decorated Vehicle Commander. When the certificate was sent (did I mention it came via FedEx?), I noted that Fleet Services must have forgotten to include the medal that was supposed to accompany the certificate. Now, I’m not saying I should have received the Medal of Honor or anything like that for goodness sake, but there was this fleeting thought. Not to worry, I’m completely over the fact that I didn’t get a medal and I feel that the certificate really speaks for itself. In fact, it speaks volumes. Am I right?

So now, on with the fog of war. When new missionaries arrived in the mission field in April and received their vehicle orientation training, I naturally made them all aware that I was a highly trained and highly decorated Vehicle Commander. The new missionaries were all dutifully impressed. The Assistants to the President (AP’s), on the other hand, were sitting in the back of the training room and they were laughing their heads off. Who could mistake their reaction for anything other than a declaration of war?  It was the shot heard ‘round the mission.

In their first skirmish against me, the AP’s unjustifiably claimed that the very impressive and impressive-looking  certificate was a fake and a forgery. Such a misguided accusation was easily rebuffed when I showed them that it was printed on cardstock. Despite this overwhelming evidence of authenticity, the AP’s began circulating a vicious rumor that not only is the certificate fake, but that I also am not a highly trained Vehicle Commander. Okay! Enough is enough. What could have been and should have been a localized engagement turned quickly into a regional conflict among multiple zones in the mission. 

To quell unrest amongst the rank-and-file missionaries, I showed the impressive certificate to all the missionaries in every zone conference this past month during my vehicle training. It was like dropping a 30,000-pound bunker buster bomb from a B-2 that debunked the vicious rumor spread by the AP’s. So you’re probably thinking a 30,000-pound debunking buster bomb would put the AP’s in their place. Right? 

Well, just to show you what I’m up against and to see how low the AP’s will go, they took to the podium for their Zone Conference training after my own highly effective vehicle training. Among other things they talked about the pride cycle with the missionaries.  For those not familiar with this metaphorical graphic, a person at 12:00 O’clock is at the maximum level of pride. Such people tend to be very materialistic and hard-hearted. Someone at 6:00 O’clock, on the other hand, has no pride and is filled with humility and other godly qualities. Well, in their pride cycle training of the missionaries, the AP’s…. Wait for it…. Wait for it…. The AP’s told the missionaries that my fixation on my much-acclaimed Certificate of Completion indicates that I am at 12:00 O’Clock on the Pride Cycle clock. Can you believe it? 

It's time to break out the retaliatory nukes! I just haven’t figured out what that means. In the meantime, Sister Jan Cassinat, who claims to be neutral Switzerland, always sides with “them” in this ongoing ordeal. With neutrals like Sister Switzerland, who needs enemies? She keeps inviting them over for dinner and acts like nothing is wrong. Now, here is the real Switzerland slap to the face. At our next dinner, Sister S plans on serving the AP’s a prime rib roast that I got for father’s day. You know what? People always say that missions can be stressful, but you have no idea how my nerves suffer. She loves to vex me.

By the way, before I get too far afield, here is photographic proof of the AP’s latest flanking maneuver.

This photograph shows the AP’s breaking and entering into my office acting like they own the place, and claiming that they are certified pina colada makers.  I’d like to see their certificate on cardstock! In response to this madness, check out the photograph of Elder Rhiner that I prepared and planned to hang on my door at the mission office until I was forbidden from doing so by Sister S.

So there you have it. The fog of war painfully persists, making my normal communications incommunicado. It’s a miracle that this email has made it safely into your hands from behind enemy lines. Aside from the war, all is well, as you can see in this latest mission video that you can view on my website by clicking this LINK.

In our zone conference for May, the Nevada Reno Mission was blessed with a visit from Eder Klebingat of the Seventy. I didn’t get to sit in on all his training as I had to conduct vehicle inspections, but what I heard was very good.  Believe it or not, I couldn’t conduct my normal vehicle training in May because I was pre-empted by Elder Klebingat. It’s a tale as old as time. Elder Cassinat gets aced out by the general authority. Since I was not able to show the latest major motion picture on vehicle training in May, it had to wait until its limited release in all the June Zone Conferences. Click this LINK to watch “The FBI Movie” staring missionaries from the Nevada Reno Mission. 

So that concludes yet another newsy newsletter that has a lot of words but a demonstrable dearth of detail. Nevertheless, I feel to say, as Paul did to the Galatians: “Ye see how large a letter I have written unto you with mine own hand.” (Gal 6:11) You may be wondering: Why does he even bother to write so large a letter when there is so little substance to what he says? In my defense, war is still raging, the fog of war is upon us, a nuclear option is being weighed in the balance, Switzerland is no longer neutral, and more movies must be made. I shall endeavor to do better when the fog lifts. Until then, know that all is well. Sister S and I truly love our mission.

With much fog and fondness,

Elder Cassinat